Chronicles Of Boyfriends Past: Joel/My worst kiss

Once upon a time (2007) I had a date with a guy a couple of years older than me named Joel who I had met at work. We had been talking for a month or so and I was excited to go out with him, he was a cool guy.

The night of our date came and he picked me up and off we went. Flash forward about an hour and we’re somewhere doing something on our date (as if I remember) and he leans in to kiss me. The date had been going pretty well so I decided that I would kiss him back.

Big mistake.

When he kissed me there were things involved that should not be involved in any kiss. His teeth for instance, and my ears (not on their own, but while kissing my mouth). His mouth was huge and somehow while kissing me he managed to chew on my cheeks, lick my ears and shove his tongue up my left nostril. To top it off he was moaning like we were playing headboard games (if you know what I mean and I think you all do). I mean, a little bit of moaning during an amazing kiss is hot but he was moaning loud enough that I couldn’t hear myself panicking in my head and it was the scariest kiss ever.

After that kiss whenever he tried to kiss me during the remainder of the date I dodged him, I would pretend I needed to tie my shoe or point out something random to him and then move away from him an inch or two.

The following monday when he called me to ask me out on a second date I was honest with him and told him I just wasn’t feeling it and would prefer to just be friends and that I didn’t want to waste his time.

He got mad, hung up on me and I haven’t heard from him since.

However, 3 months later I was at a party with my friend (at the time) Emily and we bumped into Joel’s friend Brendan who I happen to know from school.  He and his friend Danielle are sitting on a couch talking and invite us to join them so we do. We ask them what’s up and Brendan replies that they were just talking about Joel and how he went on this date with this great girl a couple of months ago and she rejected him for a second date and how he was really upset, even still. It’s at this point that Emily starts laughing hysterically and points at me and yells “Hey Dana, that’s you! That’s hilarious!”. I then explained to Brendan and Danielle what had happened (minus the details on the scary kiss) and we all had a good laugh at the irony that they were telling me a story about me, without knowing it.

I hear he lives in Toronto with his girlfriend now, scary kissing her every day.

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